You would think I would learn a lesson about taking moments to relax, allow a smile to creep across my face and just try to live happily in the moment.
Nope!
I still haven't learned it.
We decided to treat ourselves to lunch and he even went with me to my dentist appointment. No cavities--just lots of enamel loss thanks to grinding my teeth. "Have you been under a high level of stress?" Um. Ya think?
We picked up M2 from school and ran a couple errands waiting on M1 to be released from her after school Optimist Club meeting. Once we picked her up, we stopped at a couple shops we'd been meaning to visit.
It was a nice, relaxing afternoon. It never even crossed my mind that those moments never go without a resounding consequence.
Truly.
I have not experienced one moment of relaxation or joy in the past two years without it somehow being interrupted or ruined or overshadowed by some negative bullshit.
Today was no different.
We picked up the final M (I don't use M3 anymore...she simply isn't) only to learn she'd yet again worn the patience of her daycare teacher to the very bone. He asked if she is retarded. If she has learning disabilities because she chose to play her homework game with him--the open mouth, tongue protruding, pretending we don't understand English game. We explained, yet again, that she is not retarded--she's quite smart. And this is her way of remaining in control. It will not be long and we will either be called to the administrator's office or asked to not bring her to their school anymore.
I don't know what we'll do.
We had barely buckled the little darling into her booster seat when my husband's phone rang. It was his union steward/manager at work.
Because my husband's year after being on disability has elapsed, his case is now available for review. In a nutshell, he still cannot see to return to his job of driving. However, it may be within his employer's prerogative to put him on disability again rather than allowing him to continue on in his current position. I've read his union materials and I will need to see addenda that would allow for such a move, but I'm sure in a multi-national corporation, there will be something they can dig up and use to their advantage.
If he returns to disability, he will make 30% of his usual pay. Because I am bumping up against my 1000 allowable hours at my law school part-time job, we would be struggling. Yes, the Scentsy money has been good and I work that business like no one's business, but that money was to pay our exhorbitant legal fees, remember?
Plus, M1 turns 13 in a month and Christmas is coming. And given that we don't speak to 95% of our family anymore, I seriously doubt the girls will be on anyone's Christmas list this year. Hell, M2's birthday was completely ignored/forgotten by my husband's father and stepmother, so whatever.
I am done being scared, though. I am done allowing one decision, to adopt a child from a third world country, continue to define our existence.
I refuse.
We will make it work.
Or not.
But, whatever happens, we will be together. We will do what we believe is best. We will make decisions based on US and not on fear.
I'm not being held prisoner in my own thoughts any more. Yes. I'm bound in the chains of financial ruin because of this decision. I'm bound in my home more often than not because I refuse to put my children through the conspicuous issues caused by a mentally ill child who "does not even have the primitive formation of conscience" (her therapist's words, not mine) and delights in targeting those who loved her the most. I'm also bound by an artificially extended timeline because ducks that were supposed to be in a row weren't even in the zip code.
I just don't want to worry about things like my tooth enamel. Or my bottom line. Or my biological clock.
I want to live again. I want this to move forward dammit.
Until then, I continue to tread water with my loves. And wait.
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