Most Certainly Not

What Do You Mean It's September?!

I am quite sure there has been some very large mistake.  My calendar in my planner clearly shows that tomorrow is the first day of September.  Since Father's Day, time has congealed into a big blur and not in a good way. 

I even have concrete proof that this time has disappeared into a vortex--our adoption agency requested 8-12 photographs to accompany M3's 3-month post-placement report.  I had photos from April and May and early June.  And, I had a photo of her first day of school this past Wednesday.   Seriously?  What a bad parent.  But, in my defense, I'm sure the 3rd kid in any family has fewer photos of themselves than those before, especially if they join the family as a school-aged kid and during a time of tremendous upheaval.  I'll need to do better, though, for the 6-month one.  I need to try and document some things each month, especially just to show her growth.  Hubs has taken some photos lately, including the one at the right.  But, as you might imagine, they aren't always the clearest and he doesn't always catch the actual smile portion of the photo taking moment--he'll catch the nostril-flaring, eyes almost blinking, looking like a doof portion...so, I skipped those.

Still working like the proverbial dog, but after four days of this 'in school' schedule, I was starting to find some footing.  Then, Hubs had his regularly scheduled eye doctor's appointment and yet another wrench comes to land in the works.  You'd think with an eye pressure of 6 (lowest yet) and a medical release to return to full activities plus very little blood visible behind his lens, we'd be golden.  But, not so fast...this is us we're talking about, remember?

What this means is that Hubs' disability insurance (as paltry as it was) goes away and he will be returning to work.  We have, however, no idea in what capacity he will return or when he will be approved to return to work.  So, there could be even slimmer days coming and we're already threadbare.  Even if Hubs could see from his eye, which he can't, and could return full steam ahead to his job as a delivery driver, this now means that we need to figure out what to do with M3 in the mornings and after school.  Because, you see, in my old life, I'd have no problems ferrying children to and fro and meeting buses, etc., but I over-committed myself to keep things afloat awhile longer and so even if I don't need to be working like a manic, I'm committed to work like a maniac for the foreseeable future.  Maybe instead of being committed to my work schedule, I should be committed to an institution and call it a day.  I'm sure I could find some kindred spirits and some nice Jell-O to enjoy.

I wish, sometimes, that I were more optimistic and could just take the good news at face value and not turn it over to see that it's been sitting in a nasty spot on the ground.  It isn't that I'm not thankful that healing is actually occurring.  I'm just still kind of pissed off this happened in the first place.  My life and the choices I've made to land where I am are not easily flexible and 'do over' type things.  Any changes are big changes and it's resentment in the making to constantly be shifting gears, refocusing and carrying huge loads because of nothing you, yourself, have chosen/done/experienced.

I have a hard time being a transcendental about it and have no time to wonder what this means and what lesson I'm supposed to be learning or what God is trying to tell me.  Usually, when I'm in a position to go into survival mode (which has happened relatively frequently and without ceasing for the past couple years), I see what's happening as more of a big "YOU SUCK" from the universe than anything else.  I have a hard time seeing past that message and spend so much time with my head down, driving on that I don't notice if there are signposts of knowledge or even shortcuts scattered about the trail.  And, should a reprieve from the horribleness come, I'm just grateful to be from beneath the cloud and I sneak off before someone notices I'm doing okay and puts the screws to me again.

I find my way of thinking to be more comfortable than the constant wishing and hoping and praying things will be different.  Sure, I pray for people.  I've even prayed for myself.  But, I don't get all bent out of shape if things don't change or, if I do get bent, it isn't because I'm surprised by the stagnation.  It's mostly, again, just because I'm pissed whatever it is happened in the first place.  And, I find that whatever everyone has been praying for--in this instance, that my husband would be able to 'get up and move around again' never quite coincides with the overall goal "please let the man see" and we will create another conundrum and be back at square one suck-wise. 

You can chuck me on the shoulder and tell me I'm wrong.  Or a pessimist.  Or a miserable human being.  Or cynical.  I won't disagree with you on any but the first.  If you can look over the past two years of my life and provide demonstrable proof where one degree of ick ending didn't plunge me into the abyss of another pool of ick, I'll give you a prize.  Seriously.  Go ahead.  I could have missed a memo, but I doubt it. 

This isn't to say I'm not thankful for things like my kids, my home, my family, etc.  It is to say I wish all this BS would stop swirling around me so I could enjoy all those people and things for once.

School is so far, so good.  I put up some first day news at the adoption blog and plan to update with more concrete school news later tonight if I can.  Until then, enjoy.

School Days...

  This weekend is the calm before the storm, but only for a few more hours.

Sunday, we'll be at M1 and M2's school for a couple hours for Open House.  M2's teacher is out of town, so we won't have a chance to meet her before the first day.

The nice thing about Open House is the teachers allow you to bring in the mega list of school supplies and leave them in their designated spots in the classroom.  So much better than lugging all that stuff in the first day when you already have nine million other things on your mind.

I anticipate that the first day of school for M2 this year will be much like the first day for M1 last year.  It was a brand new school and yet, M2 lucked out and had a girl in her class whom she had been in daycare/preschool with for three years prior.  This time around, it's M2 who is pretty sure she will know no one in her classroom.  With four sections of kids with 24 kids each, that's a very real possibility.  I'm sure she'll be okay, though.  She always seems to land on her feet.

In addition to school starting this coming week, the older girls will resume piano lessons.  M2 will keep on with her swimming and M3 will continue with gymnastics.  I'm also planning to be the assistant leader of M2's Brownie troop this year.  She is really into Girl Scouts for some reason and I want to support her in that.  She had such a great time last year and I was surprised at how actively she participated in the meetings.  I want to encourage her to continue that and be confident in doing things she enjoys.

Monday evening, we will head to the neighborhood public school to meet M3's teacher and figure out the layout of her building.  I've only been to the main office and the gymnasium.  I'm hopeful I can sneak away Monday evening (even though it is the night before M1 and M2's first day) for a Girls on the Run volunteer meeting.  Supposedly, M1 has an opportunity to register for the program at her school at Open House tomorrow.  Let's hope we find the volunteer lady before all the spots are filled.  I missed a running night this week and now my schedule is all off, so I need to put myself back on track tomorrow lest this missing running nights gets out of hand.

Still working two jobs (the 3rd one is in an office next door to the second one and I'm on call if needed) and wondering where my summer went.  We're also waiting to see what the results of my husband's higher order platelet functioning test are.  We know, from a stupidly useless and unclear phone call from the Ohio State University hematologist, that there is a problem.  He chose not to explain it over the phone even after my husband explained he cannot come to Columbus for an explanation in person because, well, he can't see to drive.  Duh.  Let's just say if whatever it is that ails him has a name, we have Google and we're not complete idiots.  Pretty sure we could figure this out.  I'm also not impressed that he told us it 'could be' hereditary.  We'll have to keep an eye on M2 if so because the good Lord knows that women have many more opportunities to be operated on than men--c-sections, anyone?

Other than that, life is as usual--chaotic, frustrating and passing at the speed of sound.

I began reading Eat, Pray, Love after seeing the movie with a group of ladies this past Tuesday evening.  Don't laugh, but I think I may try meditation soon.  I just need to find a quiet place where I can completely relax without worrying about being interrupted. 

Is it possible to meditate at work?  In the bathroom?  In the car in the parking lot at work? 

I seriously doubt being able to convince my mind to 100% surrender and relax at home because unless everyone is asleep (and even then it's iffy), interruptions abound.

I'll have to figure it out, I suppose, because the idea appeals to me very much and I think if I could learn how to quiet my mind, I could stop having thoughts about doing bodily harm to total strangers who get in my way.  I may also be able to alleviate the anxiety attacks that sneak up and grab me in the middle of the night when I should be relaxed and sleeping.

Let's hope everyone (but my husband, I guess) being back on a regular schedule will make a difference in our home's demeanor.

The Wheels on the Bus

With less than a week to go before the school year officially begins, we know where all three girls will be attending school.

M1 and M2 will remain in their private school that we moved to last year.

M3 will be enrolled in all-day kindergarten at our neighborhood, public school.  The building only houses pre-K and kindergarten kids.  The bus service only shuttles pre-K and kindergarten kids. 

Although I would prefer having all the girls in one building, I think this is a good solution for what ailed us this year.

M3 needs social skills more than anything else.  The population with whom she will be attending public school (given our area and the demographics involved) will be much more diverse and have much more of a range of skills (I expect more on the lower end) than if she were in the private school setting we'd planned.  The school officials were pretty frank that even after having only been in the country four months, it is quite likely that M3 will know more or have more skills than some her American-born, locally grown counterparts.  That breaks my heart.  It also, however, prompted our decision 7 years ago when M1 started school to not put her in public school given the district in which we live.

I think, though, that playground justice will be a little easier to come by in this school setting (which M3 desperately needs...early and often).

My only issue now is that I laid TONS of groundwork with the private school.  This will come in handy next year when M3 joins the fold.  This year, though?  She's wandering into a classroom where the teacher has no earthly idea what she's bargaining for and likely no real skill set or strategies for dealing with an older, internationally adopted child. 

Uphill battle?  Here we come.

But.  What else is new?

Just Because It Can

I'm finding more and more that the answer "just because [x] can" is pretty accurate.  You can insert into x any number of people's names, situations, or other happenings that cause you to wonder what in the world is happening.

Why does life choose to be so continuously screwed up and difficult at my address?

Just because it can.

Simple as that.

This week will be a turning point for us, I suppose.

Because M3 has been placed in afternoon pre-K and I have no earthly idea how our family can sustain that schedule for an entire school year and we have yet to devise a suitable transportation solution, we are quickly designing a Plan B.

Tomorrow, my husband will be manning the phones.  We're hoping if we make it clear and final to our girls' school that unless they can help us figure something out (or find an empty seat in morning pre-K), M3 and her tuition money won't be attending their fine institution until next year.  He will also have to make a call to our nearby public pre-K/Kindergarten building to learn how we can have her screened and enrolled for this year.  They have kindergarten parent orientation this week, so although this would be a rush job, it isn't completely un-doable.  And, the beauty of public school?  They really can't turn us away...they are all we have and that compulsory school idea will come in handy for us.

I'll reserve my whole judgment on this venue until we actually see what it's like.  We don't live in the most impressive of school districts.  If this were a traditional elementary school with a bunch of bigger/older kids, I'd vote "NO", but it's a strictly pre-K/kindergarten building.  We'll have to figure out the bus situation, but if the wee ones sit in front and M3 is last on, first off-ish, I'll be okay with the bus.  Riding the bus was big-time when I was a kid, but my uncle was also my bus driver so it made it more fun and way less scary.

Nothing about anything has been easy.  It appears this won't be different.  A wise friend pointed out, however, that public school has nothing on a third world orphanage and that M3 has thrived and survived in way tougher places.  Also, our goal this year was weighted majorly in the 'social skills' area of the school experience where academics could follow and be reinforced at home.  We mostly need a year's worth of practice to be a student in an American school.  I think a roomful of kids can provide that whether in a private or public setting.  I hope I'm right.

We had a busy weekend which made it go fast.

I did want to share something I found so utterly cool, I could barely stand it.  And, I totally hate that I never thought of it myself, such is my love of brooches. 

One of the graduate students who worked as a TA when I directed an undergrad department that used TAs to deliver the basic courses recently married.  She posted some candid shots on Facebook  and someone commented that they loved her bouquet.  It was the first I'd noticed anything special about it.  A closer look revealed that her entire bouquet was made from vintage brooches. 

OMG.  How fantastic would that be?!

I googled it, because although she is clever, I didn't think this was the first brooch bouquet.  Sure enough, others have done it too.  With colorful brooches or even those totally fakey looking flower ones that, when put together, look funky and fun rather than gaudy.  I also loved the more traditionally colored bouquets where people would have to really look closely to realize they were not real flowers.

Because I love fall weddings, I'm especially in love with the oranges and the fall feel of the bouquet on the right.

How gorgeous are these?!

Man.

I wish I had thought of this!

In my first wedding, I carried a totally traditional bridal bouquet.  In my second wedding, I carried a smaller, more colorful bouquet that was snugged into a tussy mussy.

Not that I plan on EVER doing this again, but the next time I need some kind of something, I'm definitely going to think about whether of not a brooch can be involved.

8 Days A Week

As of this moment (and remember, it's only Saturday afternoon), I have clocked 53.5 hours between both my jobs.  And, even if I had not had to work on a Saturday, I'd still have clocked over 40 hours.  I feel like the non-custodial parent of my children as I see them less in a week now than a non-custodial parent sees their kids in a weekend.  Apparently, though, people "do this all the time" and I just need to "learn how to handle it differently."

I still have no resolution for the getting-M3-to-school-in-the-middle-of-the-day problem yet.  Because, even though it is legal for someone to drive with only one eye in my state (scary), we only have one vehicle.  Even if my husband felt comfortable doing it, there is no way for him to do so because we are a one car family now.  I'm still noodling this one over and trying to figure out how it is that I continually find myself tripping over rocks only to be covered in the creepy crawly things underneath them.

No idea why crap keeps happening or when it will stop or if I will even be able to realize and appreciate it if/when it does.  Mostly, I miss my kids.  I miss all the opportunities to build my relationship with M3.  I miss the chances to hang out with M2 and laugh at her goofy jokes.  I miss M1 and her heart-to-heart talks.  Not much of that going on between when I get home and when they go to bed.  They are all still in bed when I leave for work.  Definitely am not okay with being an absent parent.  Of course, try explaining that to a person who leaves for a year at a time and you'll have even less mutual understanding than you usually do (and that's not a lot) because even though military spouses are told how difficult it is to be away, military members have no problem telling you 'big whoop' when the shoe is on the other foot.

From what I can gather, however, the disparity between where I am and what I'm able to accomplish/earn/do and what the case would be if I were the one injured is a non-starter.  It is not part of the argument.  It is not a part of the reality of the situation.

The reality is that I am responsible for keeping my family afloat.  Deal with it.

Don't like it?  Tough. 

Need help?  There isn't any.

Waving a white flag?  Now you're really being a pain in the ass.  Pipe down.  Keep talking about it out loud and we will completely and totally ignore you.

Yep.  Good times.

I'll keep going until I can't go anymore.  Frankly, after the last two years we've had, I'm surprised I'm still able to function as well as I do.  So, maybe I have more time left in me than I think. 

For my kids' sake, I hope so.

For everyone else who wants to act like this is somehow not a SNAFU, you can take the last two letters of that acronym, tie a bow on it and open it as a present from me.

You're welcome.

Better and Better

On my run Sunday, I found myself thinking, "If nothing changes and I can make it through the next two weeks, I think this will be the corner I've been looking to turn...I could do this."

And then?

Monday.

I had paperwork due for M3 at her school by August 1st.  I sent it in advance of the deadline and included a note to the registrar for clarification on any other paperwork that was needed as well as much needed information on the 'extended day' program.  See, M3's pre-K class is only a half-day.  The school has "extended day" enrichment care that fills in the other half.

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from the registrar telling me she'd received my paperwork and providing me with a list of remaining paperwork to finish M3's registration folder.  She also informed me that there is no enrichment care in the morning (as there had been last year) and because I didn't express a preference on the registration form, M3 had been placed in the afternoon pre-K class (which I'd known since May).  There is a huge waiting list for morning pre-K and if we are to have a spot, a couple kids will have to croak or move or otherwise refuse to attend school for the year.

I filled out about one million pieces of paper about M3.  From adoption to school, there has literally been reams and reams and reams and reams of wasted paper.  I, honestly, don't remember what I put on this form.  I do remember, however, not knowing whether to check "kindergarten" or "pre-K" in my class selection because I had never even met the child at that point.  I remember a conversation with the registrar in which we decided we should shoot for Pre-K b/c there are limited spots and, if M3 should be kindergarten ready, a spot could be found for her, no problem.  It's the Pre-K that always fills up fast.  I remember that conversation.  I don't remember checking any box on a form and I sure as hell did not check "afternoon" as a preference.  Because, even if I were a stay-at-home mother, I do not want to be running two kids to school at 8:00 and another at noon and then picking them all up at some designated time about three hours later.  As a mom working two jobs outside the house, this is an untenable situation.

Now I have yet another dilemma to face and solve on my own.  I have three weeks to either find somewhere for M3 to be in the mornings for three hours (ideally, it would be a house across from the school where the babysitter could point her in the direction of the front door to school and shove about five minutes before she needed to be there) or I will need to find an entirely different educational setting altogether.

I have notes to myself and a folder full of links for all the places I looked at in addition to our current school choice when I had no earthly idea what to expect when M3 finally showed up.  Most of the church preschools that are reasonable in price are also only 1/2 day and they don't have aftercare or beforecare or whatever so they are out.  The more institutional/franchisey preschools attached to daycares that would offer all day care are cost prohibitive.

If M3 doesn't go to school with the other girls, my price her head at the girls' school goes up--so less money in the budget to start.  If I have to pay even more for her somewhere else, it doesn't add up.  $800/month for M3 alone?  When, as it stands, all three girls can go to school for a YEAR for a little over $10k?  I don't think so, guys.

It seems like I need to figure out how to keep her at her current school rather than looking for a new place.  It also means that every day during the time I should be driving from one office to another, I will be driving from one office to wherever M3 is then to her school then to my other office.  More gas.  More time. 

Yesterday, I worked from 9-5 at one office.  I sat for two hours in the parking lot at my husband's eye doctor waiting for his weekly appointment to finally end.  Then, I dropped him off at home, grabbed my computer and a lunch lovingly packed by my oldest and headed to my second office from 8-10 p.m.  That's what my day looks like from here until the foreseeable future.  The idea of dragging a kid from point A to point B (which, incidentally, I will have just visited 3 hours prior) is maddening.

But, one thing that is being driven home in all this are two very old cliches:  1) Trust your first instinct.  (In other words, if you have the sense to make a tough decision once, don't put yourself in the position to have to make it again) and 2)  Choices have consequences.  Unfortunately, it's taken all of this for me to see those two things and now I just have to ride out the consequences until I either make it to shore or I drown.  I totally understand people who just give up the fight, stop flailing and let their heads go underwater...it's peaceful down there.

In a Blur

Pretty sure that today marks the beginning of a period in which time is going to fly, I'm going to be crazed and I will come to sometime in mid-August about a day or two before school starts and realizing that the girls aren't organized and prepared for that either.

I have the weekdays of this week to be working at the law firm where I love to be and also to prepare for the 6-hour orientation of TAs for the program I will be directing at the law school through mid-October (when the real director returns from maternity leave).  At some point before next Monday, I need to have a five-day orientation for around 30 law students organized and ready to roll because I'm the director of that as well.  I'm waiting on the jump drive with every scrap of paper I need for both these adventures to arrive.  I wanted to spend this past Saturday getting a jump start but couldn't without the files.  It's been excruciatingly frustrating so far.  I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it.  It's hard to think one day at a time when you have six days you must be 100% prepared for as there is no "downtime" during the actual event itself.  You're on all day, every day.

With the calendar turning to August, my girls have about three weeks before school starts.  I have to find and organize their uniforms, wash backpacks and lunch boxes, pick up their packets at school (which, coincidentally, are available beginning next week...when I can't go pick them up) so I know what stray school supplies will be needed, set appointments with M3's teacher and the school psychologist to warn them about the incoming shitstorm that is my youngest child, and do anything and everything I can think of to try and prep M3 for what is sure to be a frustrating, stressful and embarrassing experience--if only for me.

And, rather than having a partner in this entire mess, I have someone who wants me to explain in painstaking detail what needs to be done so that I can garner some "help."  Sure.  I get it.  I realize that even if we acted like we were paying attention over the past eight years, we really weren't and we can conveniently sit around and wait for me to do it because, well, I always do.  It kills me to think that anyone with half a brain could sit with M3 and NOT know what this kid doesn't know and what she should be working on before school starts.  Do I really have to say that this kid:  Has no earthly clue how to use scissors other than to destroy property?  Cannot recognize and recreate shapes and can't name shapes either?  Cannot recognize numbers past 10 even though she can count to 100?  Cannot write her name?  Does not know any nursery rhymes and cannot sing any children's songs properly (sorry, but "iddy biddy biter" isn't going to cut it)?  Cannot sit still and concentrate on a given task for more than 3 minutes and will not complete a task without constant oversight and encouragement?  Has absolutely ZERO concept of money, what it does, and that it has value?  Cannot distinguish between a cat and any other animal with fur and a tail?  Cannot sit and listen to a storybook without wandering off or grabbing the book and jibber jabbering about anything except what the story is about?  Does not share or play nicely and could benefit from a few games of Candy Land and learning to be nice?

I don't have enough hours in the day to find and meet with a counselor of some kind, but I'm afraid I may need to do so if I plan to come out on the other side of this with any hope/interest in maintaining some sort of status quo.  I don't anticipate anyone else making any changes and I need to figure out if I'm okay with that.  At this moment, my answer is hell-to-the-no, but I have entirely too much going on to be okay with that.  Maybe once I have less going on I can successfully ignore it like I have been doing for, apparently, a considerably long time?

Not sure.

Not even sure I have time or energy to contemplate it.  It gives me a headache & I'm tired of those too.