Most Certainly Not: Actual Knowledge

In law school, we spent a lot of time discussing "actual" as a legal term of art. And, learning that there is a difference between knowing something and actually knowing. This is how some defense attorneys make a living because although they may know that their client is a real bag of crap, lying through his teeth in the way that a parent 'knows' their kid is being untruthful, the client never told the attorney and the attorney didn't see it go down. So, the attorney does not have actual knowledge. And, actual knowledge is what would prevent an attorney from representing someone everyone 'knows' is guilty.

I knew going into today that there was a possibility that we would not pass court. I had heard the statistics, heard the horror stories and thought I 'knew' that this might just be court date #1 rather than the only court date. Knowing that, it appears, is not the same as actual knowledge.

Because, when the call came in today and the caseworker's tone of voice was definitely not, "Congratulations! You have a new, official daughter.", actual knowledge took me out at the knees. It was 100% unexpected, but it still stunk royally.

Today was the Universal Day of the Child initiated by the United Nations. Did you know that?

Me neither.

Unfortunately, the representative from the Ministry of Women's Affairs (MOWA) heard and decided it would be a great day (or series of days, perhaps) to take a holiday. What better way to recognize Universal Day of the Child than by making numerous children spend extra time in an orphanage?! Brilliant.

Basically, this person did not show up for work. And, because this person is the equivalent of M3's guardian ad litem or representative in court, the cases today did not proceed. Our case was not even heard. And, it has been postponed until December 18th.

Even typing that makes my head hurt.

Last night, as I was lying awake looking at the ceiling, the one thing I wanted was to be able to reach across the bed and grasp my husband's hand. Just having him here would take my blood pressure and stress level down about nine notches. I called him immediately when I received the news and left a message on his Skype voice mail. Unfortunately, his internet wouldn't allow him to log on and pick up his messages so when he called me tonight to ask, "if we have our girl yet" it was another level of actual knowledge of embracing the suck that I could have done without experiencing.

Do I have things I need to do and ways to keep busy over the next three weeks? Sure.

Does that make having M3 sit there wondering just where this so called new mom is for another month any easier? Not at all.

Everyone always wants to "know." But, knowing isn't all it's cracked up to be.