Most Certainly Not: Gun Safe

Tonight, although he may not know it, Henry is thankful for two things: 1) a large gun safe and 2) an ordinance which prohibits the discharge of a firearm within the city limits. Tonight is likely the closest I have EVER come to wanting to end something's life using my bare hands.

I had to attend the alumni reunion dinner at the law school tonight. They offered free childcare so the girls came too. While getting ready, I came downstairs and perused the kitchen and living room, looking for any potential dangers, hazards, messes that would be made in our absence thanks to Henry's new affinity for trying to run the show. I headed a couple off at the pass and then returned upstairs to finish my hair and make-up.

Apparently, M2 helped herself to some Cheez-Its and a glass of water. I'm not sure if she ate all the Cheez-Its, but I know she didn't drink all the water. I didn't see either of these things before we left because they were likely directly behind my gorgeous flowers that I've been enjoying as a centerpiece on my kitchen table.

Let me say I NEVER use my laptop at the kitchen table. However, M2 asked me to please sit with her earlier today while she worked on her art project. I obliged and continued working on my computer at the kitchen table...careful to have it sitting on a towel in case there were crumbs or sticky spots on the table.

When we arrived home a few hours later, I was on the phone with my husband attempting to relay information to him about something. I said, "Oh, I'll just log on real quick and shoot you and e-mail with that link."

I pressed the on button of my laptop. My finger, when I pulled it off the button was cold and wet.

I thought, "Whoa! Careful. Shouldn't touch your computer with wet hands." Then, I thought, "Why in the hell is my hand wet." Then, I watched in abject horror as my computer went from running its opening sequence to a black screen.

I let out a hysterical scream when I saw my keyboard was covered in water. I picked up my laptop only to find the reason I had not seen any water is because the towel beneath it had soaked it all up. I hurried to turn on a light. I held the cell in one hand and my laptop in the other, at an angle. Water literally ran from the innards of my laptop and up my arm.

I screamed more.

Then I gagged.

Then, I cried.

Then, I yelled.

And cried some more.

I swear to God if my firearm had been laying on that kitchen table I'd have picked it up and shot that dog right in the head. Honestly.

I knew it was too late to correct him in any way for being on the table, dumping the water, and ruining my brand new computer. Yes. I said brand new. I still consider a computer under 6 months old to be brand new.

I could, however, correct him for standing at my back door, staring me down and BARKING at me to let him in. And, correct him I did. When he would not sit or lie down when instructed, he was given a correction that was a cross between the methods of Cesar Milan and Hulk Hogan. I think it took him quite by surprise that what I lack in speed I more than make up for in meanness. And, although his 70 pounds is pure muscle, having that plus another hundred or so pounds of pure flab will put your ass flat on the ground every time. I let Annie in the house, shut the back door, turned out the lights and pulled the blinds. He was quiet.

Twenty or thirty minutes later after calling and crying to my mother about all my lost photos, music and files (including work files, passwords, and the like), I returned to the back door. It took him only being told twice to lie down before he did it. He remained lying down until I told him to sit and then allowed him in the house. He is maintaining an assured clear distance as I'm sure he believes I've lost my everloving mind. He does not KNOW how close he came to biting the big one just an hour ago.

I don't know what I will do without a computer. I'm using the on-its-last-leg 10-year-old laptop at the moment praying it doesn't die before I can get a new computer.

Just when I think things are going to level out and I may have some money in the bank...

The taste in my mouth is horrific. I need to go brush my teeth and go to bed. I have to go to Best Buy in the morning and beg some 19-year-old kid to have mercy on me and replace my laptop with an identical version and, oh yeah, pretty please resurrect all my dead files.

Mother of God.

If he didn't have a microchip, he'd be walking the streets tonight.