It's funny how one can be so resistant of change and yet desire it so much when the situation is untenable and almost anything would seem better. Guess I'll have to add on "...unless things suck" to my statement of disliking change as a rule.
Last week after hitting the wall, my husband's best childhood friend contacted me to say he could come to the hospital and sit with my husband while I drove home, paid bills, turned in work, and slept in my own bed. He handled Thursday afternoon and evening and my husband's father and stepmom offered to go Friday. I was able to go to the office Friday and put in some much needed face time. It was very difficult to be away, however, especially when major things we had been waiting on and worrying about (tests which required moving my husband; movement = more bleeding) were happening and I had no clue until after they were underway. After keeping a cell phone glued to my hand for days so that I could update people about anything and everything, it frustrated me to no end that my husband had been moved and I didn't know; that this test we'd fretted over and waited on (well, at least I did as I was the only coherent person in the room on any given day) was underway and the possibility of an emergency surgery was in the air and I had no clue I may need to drop everything and drive to the hospital.
It was not a good day.
Saturday was a beautiful day weather-wise and I was able to drive to the hospital without using the air conditioner. I appreciated so much the opportunity to have fresh air and tunes blasting. It was a wonderful way to blow off the shenanigans of the day before (and solidify in my mind the boundaries necessary to maintain my sanity when dealing with such garbage) and to regroup before having to become a hermit again--dim rooms, no noise, keeping up with the med schedule. Burrowing in at home required trips to two separate pharmacies to find the rare and exquisite medicine for which I didn't realize we'd been given a prescription (or we'd have filled it at the hospital before leaving).
I also worked in a run on Saturday which was terrific. I ran more than walked on the way out and walked more than ran on the way back, but calculated that I did the first mile right around the same pace I was running them last fall. Given that I'm toting around the weight I'd lost earlier this year, it was an accomplishment. I've been stiff and sore since, but do not care a bit. If the weather cools enough this evening (even if it rains), I'm headed out again. I dug around and found an old iTunes gift card with credits on it so I could add some new tunes to the running playlist I have. HUGE difference. Even thought it's horrendously hot outside, I'm planning to run within the hour.
We missed an annual 4th of July cookout, but the hosts brought over wonderful leftovers so I didn't have to worry about cooking.
Yesterday, I had a chance to see one of my fellow SpouseBuzz authors who was in a nearby town visiting family. M1 came home from vacation. My first in-laws, her grandparents, returned her in the early afternoon. They came in with armfuls of frozen food for my use as the days keep passing. So wonderful to have those for back-up and not worry if things get nutty or money/food runs low. I know I have stuff now.
My mom and dad brought the little M girls down for the afternoon/evening for a visit. M2 had been quite vocal about being homesick and M3, for obvious reasons, needs to come home sooner rather than later. Mom also came armed with a meatloaf, carrots and potatoes that I baked for dinner. M2 and M3 looked like they have grown. M3 would not stop hugging me, telling me how happy she was and how I am her favorite Mommy. Poor thing. She's been behaving for my folks, though, so that's good. M2 is missing her previously loose front tooth. Both girls were glad to lay eyes on Daddy and M2 enjoyed beating me in a game of Monopoly. They come home tomorrow again for at least through Wednesday. I want the doctor to say it's okay for them to be here. Having kids at home can't be more annoying/loud than a hospital and, if it is, that's what the hospital is for--I can't keep farming my children out and expecting them to be okay.
I have kicked my job search into higher gear. Everything from Starbucks to administrative positions at a local university to positions with the county government. You name it, they are hearing from me. I already reached out to tons of attorneys to see if they had extra work or a need for short or long-term associate attorney type help. No takers yet. I suppose if I'm going to practice law, I'll keep doing it for free until we're no longer a National Guard family and/or my husband can no longer do his civilian job. The idea of donning the green apron and serving lattes and frapps to my friends, etc. fills me with angst. Not being able to pay bills, though, is way worse.
The pressure is really unreal. It is matched only by my incredulity at the ability of some people to look right past it and only express concern and worry for the one person who, so far, has been taken care of the very best.
Does it suck to be my husband? You betcha. Poor thing. Totally, horribly, unfairly freakishly bizarre thing to happen to a person. I'm sure he hates lying around, but if he's worrying about things, he isn't saying. Those drugs are handy.
Does it suck to be his kids--forced out of your house, skipping your activities, missing your parents, losing your summer vacation bit by bit and facing down not being about to do the fun ($$$) things promised to you at the start of summer? Yep.
I won't even list the reasons I'm forced to embrace the suck. Sufficed to say, I'm planning to renegotiate my contract around this joint the minute this crisis has ended. I'm cashing in the old adage that if you work hard and take the time to do the work, you'll reap the benefits. I'm not too proud to work at Starbucks--I'm saying I doubt I receive a phone call. "Why does a lawyer need a job at Starbucks?" Yeah...got an hour? Happy to explain it.
Tomorrow night we meet with a social worker for our three-month post-placement report visit. We'll be quite the crew.