Could Use A Reset Button

Or an Easy Button or any number of other handy gadgets that would allow me to either find myself anywhere but here and now or effectively clone myself so that the original me could take a breather.

My husband's 11:00 eye appointment on Tuesday did not come with welcome news.  More bleeding behind the eye and his pressure had crept up again.  We decided to head to the academic hospital in our state capital and see if the gurus could figure out what his major malfunction is.  We've been here since and I am pretty sure by 9 a.m. this morning I will have officially lost it.

I spent Tuesday night in a hotel and couldn't sleep because I was wound from the day, worried about money, worried about the money I had just spent on a hotel room, wondering what my kids were doing, contemplating how I will make up having M2 and M3 to my mother,  worried I wouldn't hear the alarm, worried I wouldn't hear my phone if it rang in the night, worried there would be a fire in the hotel and everyone else would learn that I'd forgotten pajamas.  You name it.  It had me awake.

Tonight, I slept from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. and couldn't do anymore than that because the recliner that I've been sitting in since we got here puts pressure on odd areas of my body and is extremely noisy whenever I move.  So, I'm stiff trying not to move the damn thing and I woke up numb from my collarbone to my hip bones.  I thought I'd perhaps suffered a stroke and that maybe I, too, would be given an actual bed with real sheets and a pillow plus medication that would allow me to sleep for hours on end oblivious to anything and everything, but then I realized if I were thinking those complex of thoughts I was probably A-OK and my circulation had been cut off by the freaking torture device, um, I mean chair.

It is useless to tell anyone or write here that I am completely 100% totally done, but I am.  I caught sight of myself in the mirror today and couldn't believe what I saw.  It doesn't help that along with my pajamas, I inadvertently left my makeup at home too.  Pretty sure I would look less horrible than I feel if I could slap on some war paint...or at least lip gloss.

I sat in this chair and cried tonight until the snot ran down my face, but it doesn't matter.  Doesn't change a thing.  Still here.  I find it amusing that I'm in a place full of medical professionals and have been in the presence of doctors, nurses and even mental health professionals off and on for the better part of three months and it has not occurred to anyone that this constant shitstorm affectionately known as "my life" might be a little too much for one already exhausted person to handle.  Not for nothing, but I'm pretty sure even the non-mental health folks took a rotation through Crazy Town. 

If I hear one more person tell me they don't know how I've done this and continue to do this, I might implode.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  What I'd like to do is get in my car, drive to the nearby airport, shove a pile of money across the counter and ask, "Where can I go on this much?"  But, that isn't reality.  And, as I walk through the halls of the hospital foraging for food, coffee and a restroom that I'm allowed to use, I see lots of people who look like they have it worse.  That brings on the guilty feelings and the feelings of inadequacy--a person should be able to handle their business, right?  God supposedly doesn't give you more than you can handle, but someone must not be passing along my messages because I've been asking for mercy and deliverance from this mess for awhile and every time I blink there seems to be a new layer of dysfunction piled on top of the last.

As it stands, my husband has an open ended ticket at this hospital.  I have no idea (and neither do the doctors) when he will be released or when he will heal or if he will need more surgery or if he will even be able to see.

Way too many unknowns for my taste.

Then again, the knowns aren't all that hot either.  I know he hasn't worked in two weeks, but people keep sending bills to the house.

I know he needs two working eyes to drive for UPS.  I know he needs to be stable and as near to 100% as he can be before I can leave him home with the kids while I work a 2nd or 3rd job to make ends meet.  I know if he isn't and I have to hire a sitter (for M3 as M1 and M2 could be fine) my ability to make ends meet will be seriously dented.

I know I only make $20/hour now and it's hard to do billable work where I am.  I know I'm committed to do another job starting this month for $30/hour, but I can't do it from a satellite location.

It isn't like he's sleeping on a schedule and I never know how long he's going to be out.  When he's awake he needs help to the bathroom, help with the TV (which, by the way, he points at him even though his eyes are closed 89% of the time), help with his blankets, his Kleenexes, his water, his you-name-it.  And, as far as that goes, I could be anybody sitting here and he wouldn't know the difference.  So wonderfully intoxicated with pain meds is he that the world is a fine and glorious place.  Unfortunately, they don't hand those pills out like Tic Tacs to the bystanders so I'm left with a sore rear end from sitting and bags under my eyes from no sleep.  It's more than a little frustrating to be the only coherent person in the room especially when there is so much to worry about and figure out and yet, the other party isn't allowed to have his blood pressure elevated.  Well, by all means, allow ME to do that as well.  Just another service I provide.

Before this point, it honestly worried me that people would think I wasn't a good wife if I allowed all this to get to me.  I don't care anymore.  Perhaps I'm not a good wife.  So be it.  I defy ANYONE to put up with having a husband whose decisions and lifestyle set the tone, schedule and reality of every other person's life within his household and then add to that the whirling dervish that is known as international adoption of an older child, the worry fest that is deployment to a war zone and the carnival of laughs that is a completely avoidable, albeit freak, accident that could make one go blind and do it with a sense of humor and a shred of sanity.  You find that person and I'll gladly relinquish the title; it's only fair.  I'm sure she's out there somewhere, but she's probably already married and living in a relatively problem-free household wishing for a little excitement in her mundane life.

As for me, I will spend yet another day sitting on pins and needles (literally.  my ass is constantly asleep) trying to avoid melting into tears for no apparent reason, waiting until my stomach is growling to go look for food, fielding texts and phone calls, and acting like there is nowhere else I'd rather be than sitting in an uncomfortable chair staring at the back of a TV. 

There has to be a better way.  I'm just entirely too beaten down and tired to think of one right now.

Comments

[AC]

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

[Genie]

I hope you don't mind, I just said a prayer for you and your husband. I have never been under intense sustained pressure - mine was a couple of months - but I found that a little Dr. Bach's Rescue Remedy under the tongue helped me focus and calm down. Like any herbal remedy, I wanted MORE but probably best I didn't have access to any good drugs, you know what I mean? :) I'm a lurker on your website and enjoy your writing. We're out here thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Guard Wife]

Genie, prayers and other good things are always welcome. No apologies or permission necessary. Thanks for the suggestion on a little helper too--it's probably better than booze (kidding! kind of) and I've sworn off that for the foreseeable future.

@ AC--thanks. It's always something.

[Genie]

Check usajobs.gov for Cincinnati. I pulled this one up. If you took any business law, it looks good. Continue to apply for jobs, because it takes A LONG TIME for the feds to wade through applications, narrow down with a matrix and so forth, but once you're in the system it's easier to move around. Good luck! I'm an attorney, too, and I've been home for a year. No kids, my husband is military and we're on post, so it's been a good experience. Just had an interview with the legal office onpost for an opening and I'm waiting to hear and hopefully get back in the saddle - if I wait much longer I might never go back!

http://jobview.usajobs.gov/GetJob.aspx?JobID=83069983&JobTitle=AUDITOR+%28CONTRACT+AUDIT%29&q=&where=cincinnati+ohio&x=0&y=0&brd=3876&vw=b&FedEmp=N&FedPub=Y&AVSDM=2010-06-29+16%3a26%3a00

[Guard Wife]

Thanks, Genie. That website is on my list of 'to visit daily' sites & I saw that post too. :) That site is convenient b/c you can apply right through it & save your resume there, etc. I appreciate not having all the paper lying around & the lessening of the potential of losing things.