Most Certainly Not

Not Enjoying the Kicking

I think being kicked when you are already down bites.  Sometimes, life works like that.  Provide yourself enough opportunities (deployment, bad job market, international adoption) and eventually, the odds will require that you be down AND kicked at the same time.

It is another thing entirely to be down, or headed in that direction, and receiving kicks from tiny, little girl feet.  Wearing soccer cleats.  Or flip flops.  Or some other inappropriate footwear that you've told her 900 times to take off before she breaks her neck or muddies the floor.

My youngest is trying to do me in and, frankly, it appears she is enjoying it.

Usually, when I am on my game, I am the invincible Mommy.  I'm on to you like no one's business.  You do as you are told, trains run on time, there is no sass and any necessary behavior modification occurs immediately and consistently.

Right now, I must be a little off and the youngest smells weakness.

Tonight was especially horrendous.

To make a long story not-as-long, we ended up not going out to grab a bite to eat (I needed dinner, but ended up losing my appetite) because she called me fat, wouldn't stop doing so and wouldn't say she was sorry after I told her we do not call names, that it hurt my feelings and it is disrespectful to her mother.  She wouldn't apologize, even after having some time to think about it.  She demanded to go to Wendy's and said flat out that she didn't care that she hurt my feelings.

Her basic premise is that if it's true, it isn't calling a name.  So, I'm fat.  She thinks I'm fat.  Therefore, she can tell me to my face that I'm fat and because that's not a lie, I should not be surprised or hurt by that.

She was mostly just mad that she wasn't going to Wendy's.

I locked myself in the bathroom after she put herself to bed and cried.

Definitely.  Not.  On.  My.  Game.

Having not spoken to my husband on the phone for days and having very scant written contact with him does not help.

Having not run for days isn't helping either.

I think it's quite obvious I'm not thin.  I'd like to think I could not have that thrown in my face by a sassy six-year-old.

I'm very exhausted by it all.

I'm already dreading tomorrow.  I know that is the wrong attitude to have, but maybe if I can sleep tonight, I'll feel differently in the morning.

I simply cannot have a child speaking to me like that.  Nor will I continue to foster an environment where this child does not follow instructions, mistreats her possessions and takes no personal responsibility for things like her backpack, her room or her personal grooming.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  Nor will I have her misbehaving in public.

Never in a million years would I have been a single parent on purpose.  I know my limits.  I also know that M2 should thank her lucky stars that it's me home rather than her father for this year because her rear end would glow like Rudolph's nose by this point.

Guess I'll roll myself upstairs, squeeze myself into my caftan and try to find a comfortable position to sleep...you know, so I don't get bed sores or something.  Because, you know, I'm a fat ass and all.

Ready, Set, Break!

Thanksgiving is upon us.  One of the things that remains from my first marriage is the way that holidays are handled.  Because of the insane nature of Christmas in my family (we were VERY strict about proper procedures back then), my first husband's family developed a large holiday around Thanksgiving instead.  As we were married for nearly seven years and together for eight, this holiday planning mechanism was solidified and remains the way things are handled today.

This means that tomorrow my oldest will go with her dad and then head to his parent's mid-week to spend lots of good time with her family in North Carolina.  She will have an awesome time!  I will also have the chance to see her on her actual birthday for the first time in a very long time when she comes home Sunday.  Now that she is older, the birthday thing doesn't make me as sad as it did when she was tiny.  Of course, she enjoys all the reiterations of her birthday, so it works out fine.

This year, Thanksgiving will be different.  My husband isn't here.  My Aunt Mary Ann won't be there either.  And, my grandma will not be there to celebrate with us and that is really hard.  She always loved everyone being together and was a fan of pretty much everything on the Thanksgiving table--but couldn't resist all the most traditional things: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and pie. 

When our family gathers on Thursday, I know it won't be the same.  But, I'm going to try and remember that I have a great deal to be thankful for and I should keep that in mind.  Grandma would get on me if I didn't remember what the holiday is about and if I spent the time being sad she isn't there rather than laughing about all the good times we had when she was here.  And, if I don't eat a little bit of everything so I can tell my husband all about it, he will be really mad!

I have my work cut out for me and in the background, my countdown to our 2nd court date is running.

We're closing in on 23 days.

First Week of Three-Point-Five

I wish there would be as many distractions for M3 in the next three weeks as there surely will be for the girls and me.  I can't imagine the next three weeks for her will be anything more than three more weeks of waiting.  I pray that somewhere in her heart she will feel a little something that lets her know that we are coming soon and that she need not worry or wonder about that.  I so much want to tell her how hard we have tried, how many tears we have cried and how many people, even total strangers, are rooting for her to be home with us as soon as possible.  But we have 25 days and change to make it through and I don't hold out much hope that the court will see it's way clear to moving our date up if an opening should present itself.

This will be a short week at school for the girls and M1's dad will pick her up Tuesday so she can head to her paternal grandparents' for the big holiday which culminates in her 11th birthday next weekend.  All kinds of excitement for her there! 

The girls had fun at Sunday School today and we took two angels off the Giving Tree to buy Christmas presents for this year.  I also almost literally ran into one of the two attorneys I did work for way earlier this year who have yet to pay me.  I just re-billed them for the work.  Wonder if he'll think to repay me now that there is the possibility I will see his mug EVERY week at church? 

Tomorrow night, I'm hoping to take the girls to an interfaith Thanksgiving service to be held near the church we are attending.  This year, the service is at a Catholic church and our Protestant church and a nearby synagogue will attend.  Choirs from the different participating groups will provide some music.  When I presented the idea to the girls, M1 said, "So we just go to the Catholic church and eat?"  Um, no.  It's a Thanksgiving service, not a Thanksgiving dinner, dearie.  We'll see.  If M2 is as tired and grumpy gus as she was today, I'll save myself the headache and either 1) go without her or 2) plan to go next year when it will be at our church and I can enjoy it more.

My mom came for a quick visit this afternoon.  She stayed a few hours and in that time, helped me with a load of laundry, delivered M1's birthday present (and some goodies for me and M2), assisted me in dropping my car at the mechanic's, and took us to dinner.  She can really cram a lot of Mom goodness into a very small window.  She also gave M2 the business a couple times which saved me the trouble. 

I'm going to try and rest up this week, accomplish some tasks around the house, start organizing life for M3, complete some adoption grant paperwork and, did I mention, SLEEP?  Oh, and run.  Yes.  I will run.

Actual Knowledge

In law school, we spent a lot of time discussing "actual" as a legal term of art.  And, learning that there is a difference between knowing something and actually knowing.  This is how some defense attorneys make a living because although they may know that their client is a real bag of crap, lying through his teeth in the way that a parent 'knows' their kid is being untruthful, the client never told the attorney and the attorney didn't see it go down.  So, the attorney does not have actual knowledge.  And, actual knowledge is what would prevent an attorney from representing someone everyone 'knows' is guilty.

I knew going into today that there was a possibility that we would not pass court.  I had heard the statistics, heard the horror stories and thought I 'knew' that this might just be court date #1 rather than the only court date.  Knowing that, it appears, is not the same as actual knowledge.

Because, when the call came in today and the caseworker's tone of voice was definitely not, "Congratulations!  You have a new, official daughter.", actual knowledge took me out at the knees.  It was 100% unexpected, but it still stunk royally.

Today was the Universal Day of the Child initiated by the United Nations.  Did you know that? 

Me neither.

Unfortunately, the representative from the Ministry of Women's Affairs (MOWA) heard and decided it would be a great day (or series of days, perhaps) to take a holiday.  What better way to recognize Universal Day of the Child than by making numerous children spend extra time in an orphanage?!  Brilliant.

Basically, this person did not show up for work.  And, because this person is the equivalent of M3's guardian ad litem or representative in court, the cases today did not proceed.  Our case was not even heard.  And, it has been postponed until December 18th.

Even typing that makes my head hurt.

Last night, as I was lying awake looking at the ceiling, the one thing I wanted was to be able to reach across the bed and grasp my husband's hand.  Just having him here would take my blood pressure and stress level down about nine notches.  I called him immediately when I received the news and left a message on his Skype voice mail.  Unfortunately, his internet wouldn't allow him to log on and pick up his messages so when he called me tonight to ask, "if we have our girl yet" it was another level of actual knowledge of embracing the suck that I could have done without experiencing.

Do I have things I need to do and ways to keep busy over the next three weeks?  Sure.

Does that make having M3 sit there wondering just where this so called new mom is for another month any easier?  Not at all.

Everyone always wants to "know."  But, knowing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Pretty Sad

Oh, dear.

I fear I have become one of "those" people.  One of those people who, when they would say what I'm now thinking, would receive a response of utter incredulity from me.

I hate to admit this.

I even hate the dawning awareness that it is my new reality.

What in God's name have I done to myself?!

I think.  Maybe.  I might

NEED

to exercise.  Specifically, I think I need the running.

I had not run since Friday night.  And that was a half-hearted effort on the treadmill at the Y.

I also have not slept decently all week.  I began to feel the undeniable urge to choke people out rather than listen to them talk or breathe, for that matter.  I also felt sluggish and like my insides were just weighing a million pounds.

I decided that I would run tonight, regardless of weather.  It was actually quite nice, even if a couple rain drops did fall.  I also tried out my new Nike running gloves--very nice (they have a key pocket in each palm! Sweet!), my new socks and my new little headband that keeps the wind from my ears.  It was actually warmer than what I thought it would be once I really started going to town.  M1 also said it looked really cool and M2 didn't make fun of me, so I could believe M1.

About halfway through my run, it started to dawn on me that I felt awesome.  I wasn't thinking about anything but the music streaming into my ears from my iPod.  I didn't feel quite as confident that I could run my entire route (it's been awhile!) but I just kept going and then started my cool down walk a little earlier than usual.  I did end up running probably another quarter of a mile because I couldn't resist running to a Christina Aguilera song. 

When I arrived home, I was hot, sweaty, stinky and I felt amazing.

How can this be?

I hate to exercise.

I hate to sweat.

I do not like catching a whiff of myself when I move around because that's icky.

This cannot be happening to me.

Why in the world did it take me until the backside of 30 to even entertain the thought of becoming one of those people?

What in the wide, wide world of sports is a goin' on here?!

Moving Along

I didn't sleep well (at all?) last night.  That made today interesting to be sure.

I had a very nice lunch with the Momtourage to celebrate Kim's birthday.  We had egg salad and it could not have been any more tasty.  As easy and wonderful as egg salad can be, lots of people mess it up.  Not this place.  Yum.  And, the potato leek soup made from scratch was delicious too.  Plus, the shop is a truly 'tea' shop, rather than a coffee shop.  We had real, English tea in a teapot and everything.  So good!  And, they have high tea there with the tiered trays of sweets and sandwiches.  I bet M1 would like to go for that!

Even with the big court date coming at the end of the week, there are still things to be done.

Given that my check engine light came on as I was driving to pick up the girls, a trip to the mechanic will likely be on it.  Like I have time for that!  Such a hassle and I always feel like such a pain in someone's rear end to ask for a ride.  Unfortunately, the bus routes are so convoluted, I am not sure I could catch a bus from the mechanic's and wind up back at work or at home.  No wonder the buses are always empty.

I also received a call today that our pre-application for an adoption grant was approved and we will be allowed to fill out the foundation's application.  I'm glad we made it past the initial stage, but I'm sure lots of people have, especially in this economy.  Very doubtful that anything will come of it, but it's nice to be invited to try.

I also need to ship my husband the forms that he needs to sign and have notarized so that I can carry them with me to Ethiopia when I go.  Have to have them done before our Embassy appointment.  You can't imagine the fear in my heart that some stupid paperwork glitch will screw things up!  Ick! 

I need to try and go to bed.  I'm sure I'm tired.  Somewhere in there.  I'm not sure what my deal is.  The only caffeine I had today was the tea at lunch.  Not even coffee today.  And yet, I'm not even sleepy?  What IS the deal?!

Another Week Begins

I'm not as stiff as I thought I'd be, so that's a bonus.  I also made it to Wal-Mart to buy our non-meat, non-fresh produce groceries tonight.  Another bonus.  I even washed a load of laundry and will start the dishwasher before bed.  Super duper bonus.  It was a good way to start the week, I suppose.

A fellow adoptive family from our adoption agency passed court today.  Their baby boys (twins!) will be coming home with them soon.  Rumor has it that they may travel either for a Dec. 8th Embassy date or the Dec. 22nd Embassy date.  Um.  If I have a December 22nd Embassy date, I will miss Christmas with M1 and M2 plus likely face a few extra digits in my airfare because of the holiday travel expense.  This could get interesting.

There isn't much else to report and I'm sorry for being so exceedingly boring.  I'm just tired, but not sleepy and I have a bajillion things running around in my head.

I am, however, taking a positive step forward and admitting I am NEVER going to watch the two Netflix movies I have here & I'm returning them to move on down my newly updated list.  I've had one for nearly a year.  I'm not proud to admit it, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, my friends.

Um, OW!

I fell.

I'm pretty sure that one thing a woman of a certain age should not be doing is falling.  If I thought running could be rough on my old lady limbs, falling is definitely worse.  I know it could have been a much worse fall, so I will take my lumps.  However, when I slid down an entire flight of stairs holding a teeny infant M1 in my arms, I felt less painful than I feel now.  Funny what 10 years can do for your ability to bounce.

I will take an Aleve tonight and try not to worry about it.

I'm watching a marvelous series that goes on all this week on the History Channel.  It's on each night at 9 with a replay of the episode at 1 a.m.  So, if you've missed the start tonight, you may still catch a re-broadcast.  WWII in HD contains news reel and other documentary footage of actual WWII battles and every day encounters from the soldiers.  They intersperse stories of individual soldiers, airmen, Marines, and nurses.  And, occasionally, the actual WWII veteran is shown telling parts of his story.  Gary Sinise is narrating the program.  It's amazing the difference HD makes to these images.  If you've ever watched film footage where it's grainy and hard to make out what's happening, you won't have that problem with this series.  Well worth watching and a good learning experience.

Because I'm stiff and sore, I have a burr under my saddle about some news stories.  If you do not wish to be exposed to my political rantings and leanings, go no further.  You have been warned.

A Must Read

I am exhausted, but I didn't want to leave you without anything to read.

AFW sent me a link today that filled me with more hope than I've had in awhile.  From an unlikely source (a blog written by Hillary Clinton supporters in Chicago), this post has me hoping that even the staunchest naysayers during the Bush years are pulling their heads from the sand.  Perhaps there will be more hands grasping for the shredded tatters of our liberty, history and identity before it's too late.

Check it out for yourself and share the link with friends.

Free Friday

The girls didn't have school today and that proved very nice.  I slept in a little and that was much needed.  It's very nice to have kids of a certain age who do not require your assistance to handle their early morning routine. 

M1 was invited to a school friend's for a playdate.  She spent about 3.5 hours at the home of the little girl she sits by in lunch.  I think she was thrilled.  I was thrilled to learn that they played with this little girl's collection of American Girl dolls.  A far cry from some of the 'pre-teen' activities she's engaged in elsewhere, this was nice and something, I'm sure, M1 enjoyed very much.

M2 and I hung out at home.  She played outside most of the afternoon as it was gorgeous.  She swept out the garage and drew on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk. 

Tonight, M1 is with her dad and M2 is at an overnight event at a nearby gymnastic/swimming center.  I have to pick her up at 8 a.m.  NOT so thrilled about that, but what can you do?

I had the chance to talk to my husband today and that was very nice.

My dad also had a successful surgery.  Now, if they can just get his blood pressure to cooperate, they will be set.

Amazingly enough, next week this time, I could very well be the mother of three.

Come ON, Friday!